Sept 2, 2013

This a post from a year ago. 

The word for this weekend is insignificant. That's how I feel lately. I have probably accomplished more in the last year than I normally do, but the things I have accomplished are not important.  I have also made some poor choices and messed up some things. 

In march I began organizing the coaches alliance. For some reason it was important to me to get all the coaches together and form a support group for each other. I went through the motions and I rallied the coaches and many of them came together to support the alliance. We formed the group, defined our purpose and what our goal was. But why? Why was that so important to me? Is it really going to make a difference?

In April I completed the A to Z blogging challenge. 26 blog posts in 30 days following the A to Z theme. It was hard and it took a significant amount of time. But for what purpose? I guess it did give me more material for the book that I keep telling myself I want to write. But I  am no closer to being done with the book now than I was. I need to start before I can finish. 

In August I completed the 31 caches in 31 days geocaching challenge. This means that for the month of August I went out and found one Geocache each day. It got me out of the house and gave me some bonding time with a few friends. It also taught my three year old what geocaching was. But why? Why was it so important for me to finish? Why does it matter? What good did it do to go just for Tupperware in urban areas?

Also the last part of August I chose to stop drinking soda. I have now been off soda for 21 days. I know that in the grand scheme of things this will help me be more healthy. Yet, I do not feel better. I have not lost weight.  I still want to drink soda and I haven't cut back much on the caffeine. So why do it? 

Why can't I accomplish the goals that mean something? The ones that will make me a better person or healthy.  Why is it that I can't finish school it get back on shape for the half marathon? Are my goals too big? Am I really afraid of success? Why can I finish the things that only mean something to me and not benefit anyone else? Is it lazy? Where is the discipline? What is wrong with my motivation? 

Why can't I focus on making me better?  I am quick to judge and to fast at opening my mouth and jamming my opinion down others throats. I was told by someone I love very much that I make a bad first impression. Why can't I figure out how to be better at fixing those things. Yes, it bothers me a lot that people think poorly of me. I really don't mean any harm. At least I don't think so. Why do I struggle with that? How can I just change my focus and make sure that my family always cones first? I want them to be happy and all of us to be healthy.  I want to know that if I died tomorrow that people would remember me for something positive, not just being an opinionated bitch.